... And Suddenly I Find Myself in Paris: In the company of me, myself, and I

[This is an old post from mid June, but I couldn't get the images to upload before so I was waiting on publishing it]

DATELINE: 12.07.09 PARIS, FRANCE

Going places alone is one of my great challenges in life. I don't mean picking up and moving to another country alone - sure! That one was easy! No, I mean going out alone - like going to concerts, going to exhibits, going to events and activities. For some reason driving across the US alone? No problem. Moving to France alone? No problem (though to be honest I had quite a safety net here). A concert? A club? A show? That freaks me out.

To say it freaks me out is actually not quite accurate. Somehow it just makes me feel exceptionally shy, and anxious. I can think only because it makes me feel a bit lonely. But what is really interesting is that this only holds true *before* I have arrived there and am doing, all by myself, that which I wanted to go do.

Today there was a music festival, a really small one, down in Parc André Cintroën along the south western part of the Seine in Paris. All morning I was trying to get anyone and everyone I know here in Paris to join me there. All those who would have joined me are either simply out of town right now, or have already left France. And so I kicked myself in the arse, got myself out the door, and went alone. And would you know it, I had a great time all by myself.

It's a funny realization that I come by every time this happens. I often do have a great time when I go and do things alone. Getting myself past the "oh it's so lonely" feeling and resolving to go even in the absence of a companion is so hard, and yet, once I'm there I am sometimes very grateful that no one has come with me. Today I wandered through the stands, I listened to the bands, I lounged in the grass and wrote post cards (yes, 16 days before I leave France I am finally sending out cards). I even made a new friend (though I had no interest in anything more than the little 5 minutes conversation we had). When he struck up the conversation with me, though, I felt like somehow he was interfering (if I actually was interested in his company I might have felt otherwise). It was as though I had resolved to go to this alone, found myself enjoying it alone, and then didn't want to change that by joining up with anyone else.

I realized that had someone come with me, I would have been worried that they didn't like the music. I'd have been worried that I was somehow holding up what they wanted to do when I stopped to take 20 photos of kids playing in the fountain. I'd have been too concerned with whether they were enjoying the day to enjoy the day myself.

That this realization has come to me before many times over, and still it is hard for me to get myself to go do things alone is something that baffles me. I think I need to have a little recording that will play every time I think of bailing out of something I want to do just because there is no one to come with me. It will be me reminding myself that in fact when I go it alone, I am never actually alone, and I always have a great time with myself.

Here's some pics and video from today: